UNDERSTANDING DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Many marriages are falling apart in Nigeria not necessarily because the brides are not beautiful enough but more because of intolerance, impatience, incompatibility and financial constraints. In fact the greatest obstacle to marital success remains financial constraints, compounded by the over dependability of either of the spouse on the other. We are all human beings and there is a level of tolerance beyond which the marriage begins to crack and fall apart irreversibly.

However, because of the social stigmatization associated with failed marriages, some women have remained attached to the marriage even where none exists anymore, hoping against hope that things would change.

A lot of men have had to endure the humiliation of seeing their missing ribs clinging to other men as adultery creates its divisive chasm of infidelity which eventually leads to divorce.

In some marriages, the woman has had to suffer not just infidelity, but lack of care, and domestic violence. Getting out seems to be an attractive option but the church teachings against divorce has left many to try to redeem their marriages at great cost to their selves including but not limited to emotional traumatization.

There are growing cases of domestic violence in Nigeria, simply put, wife beating. Although in some cases I am also aware of men who have been henpecked and routinely beaten up by their hefty wives. Such men have refused to cry out to the public for rescue for obvious reasons and have learnt to live in dejection and suffering in silence.

There are no statistics to support the claim of domestic violence against women but we know its there. Like a small tumour growing until it may lead inevitably to death.

WHAT IS HOMICIDE?

Homicide is the killing of a human being in circumstances which are not justified, lawful or excused by law. This apparently suggests that there are circumstances in which the killing of a human being can be justified as in self defense or in carrying out the sanctions of a competent court. A person cannot be held responsible for having caused the death of another person unless such death occurs in a year and a day of the cause of death.

This is termed causation. Death may be caused by any means directly or indirectly whatsoever, by the Act with the necessary mental intent known in law as mens rea and actus reus.

Thus where a man hits his wife with an Iron Bar and death results within a year and a day, he is guilty of the offense of murder or homicide unless he can show that he hit her in self defense to protect himself, perhaps because she pointed a gun at him. Or that he was deeply provoked as in the case where, a man returns home to find his wife sleeping with a neighbor on his matrimonial bed. He may avail himself successfully of the defense of provocation, a form of temporal insanity, as to excuse him from culpability. But the defense would not avail a man who came home, found a man sleeping with his wife and went out in search of his gun he left at the farm, a distance of three miles and came back and shot his wife for the simple reason that the anger would have dissipated considerably and his, was an act of cold blooded murder.

The increasing incidents of domestic violence in Nigeria give room for concern in the backdrop of battered and bruised housewives who live in domestic slavery and endless violence. This is often recurring where the husband is alcoholic and or has mental challenges. Some women invite this domestic violence because of infidelity, over dependence, gossipy criticisms, stubbornness and poor house keeping. But the general social conduct frowns against violence against women in marriages. The preferable thing to do is walk away. If you listen to what a woman has to say you will kill her before she stops talking.

Every marriage must be determined by compatibility test. Never marry a woman because of her profession unless it will make you more compatible. Many Nigerian Men who received mail order wives who became registered Nurses in America are in jail today for homicide and domestic violence. Or forced to abandon their cozy homes for their wives whilst still liable for the mortgage and alimony payments of their ex wives who can now have fun at their expense.

In more than a dozen pointless murders of Igbo Nurses, abroad, the sad case of Christopher Ndubuisi in Garland Texas, strikes a responsive chord, who crawled into the alleged disrespectful nurse wife bedroom, Christianna, now earning big bucks and smashed her head in with a sledge hammer whilst she slept ending years of domestic violence.

In the case of Agnes Nwodo and Godfrey Nwodo of Tennessee, Godfrey rescued Agnes by marriage. When she came to the united States he put her through nursing until she became registered RN and changed dramatically. Now the couple had three children, Agnes brought the mother in law to their home having gained the upper hand in the family finances against the husband wishes. She quickly familiarized herself with American laws, kicked out the husband, got custody of the children and the home the man had to show for more than two decades in the United States and kept him allegedly from seeing his children. He killed her after years of disagreements and domestic violence.

There is a common thread in all these developments. There is intolerance. People who do not love each other cannot live together in peace unless there is tolerance and people who love each other cannot stay in love unless there is tolerance. A lot of couple has grown to be tolerant and caring inspite of their differences.

This is perhaps why the Bishop of Orlu Diocese, Bishop Ukwuoma emphasized the importance of tolerance and patience in marriages in his homily at the 50thmarriage anniversary of my parents Chief James Colman and Tessy Nwosu in Owerre Umudioka, in November 9, 2013, the first to be celebrated in the Town’s church. The absence of these elements makes peaceful coexistence impossible and creates room for domestic violence. Although in their case, my father is an honest, exceptional and compassionate gentleman who always returned home at 4p.m for 35 years and spent more time with his family more than any man I know. He respects women.

In my years as a bachelor, I tried not to have a relationship with a woman unless I loved her borne out of that respect. Although, in those years I saw women, more, as hot coals a man willingly puts in his pocket and tries to stay calm! Ask yourself, do you respect women? Are you having difficulties in your marriage? You need counseling from appropriate couples with integrity who are God fearing. Perhaps your marriage sponsors if he has requisite moral integrity. Also, consider the possibility that you may be at fault. Have you been ignoring your wife for a long time now? Take her out like a girl friend and smooth things over the night before it gets uglier. Women often become disagreeable over everything because of  one thing. That may be it. Never take your wife for granted. You never know with women.

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